Let's call today: 'Sunday 23 May 2004'
pirategirl 
wrote in the notebook:
he came home late one night
he came home and turned out the light
saying 'I know this ain't right
and it's time to say goodnight.'
'i wanna go
'cos i didn't know.
the red lights screaming
the chains burning
the streetlights in my head.'
he woke up the next day
he called up the man to say
'that's right, stop my pay
that's right, I'm walking away.'
he went out to start again
but all he saw outside were faces of his men.
and he sighed 'today it ends
'cos tonight, I'll make amends.'
'i wanna go
'cos i didn't know.
the red lights screaming
the chains burning
the streetlights in my head.'
he took his gun from his drawer
and walked silently out his office door.
and he cried all the way to top floor
and he shot one shot
and cried no more.
6:21 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Friday 21 May 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
i hate it when you hold on to me
i'm going nowhere, i said i'd be there, so why are you scared?
i think its when you look at me
i've had enough for today, what you want me to say? please just go away.
why do you need me so bad
when i can do fine without you?
had i known what letting you in had meant
id have run, id have lied, id keep you out.
instead you're here and you're driving me mad
but you shrug and say "thats what love's about."
i cant be what you want me to be
i've said it enough, i know it seems rough, but dont you like it tough?
stop putting all your faith in me
it's too far to fall, i gave it my all, but i'm hitting a wall.
why do you need me so bad
when i can do fine without you?
i hate seeing your eyes and being burnt by their hope.
i hate feeling your hands on my back.
i hate hearing the phone and knowing it's you.
i hate you staining my world bitter black.
i wish i never said i love you
i wish i never lied
i wish i never told you it all
i wish i never cried
cos its all changed now and i'm more than ok.
so go on with your own little plan
you're nothing to me anymore, not a thing.
i've my house and my boys and my man.
why do you need me so bad
when i'm doing fine without you?
2:05 am | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Thursday 20 May 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
solecism
(or que sera sera)
this is pretty much inspired by carly's post, 'Label with Care' on her blog, but also to tie in with my previous post on the den.
i remember in the middle of all the commotion that fateful day on the schoolbus hearing the words 'i know what you are' before the first blow hit me. before the blood came to my mouth or the tears to my eyes, before i had began repeating in my head why? why? why?, before all eyes and ears turned away in ignorance of the truth behind the little 'play fight' in the rear of the bus... i knew what i was too, and i hated me.
the first time i ever remember having feelings for a girl was in year 8. she was in the year above me and was everything that i wanted to be. i was infatuated with her, i guess i even held her up on a little too high a pedestal. but ah young love and the traps you set for yourself when you start to recognise those feelings of more than friendship. feelings for someone of the same gender is even more confusing, especially when it goes against everything society and religion tells us is right and acceptable.
i went to a lutheran school in the country. from what i've heard first hand, it's one of the most homophobic schools in the southern area - at least it was when i went there. country towns aren't famous for their queer tolerance at the best of times, but worse still when you have the over-eager misquoting christian side of things thrown into the bargain.
but anyway, its fair to say that i didnt feel safe. i guess i never really did. i never told anyone what i felt. i tried telling the few girls that i had had crushes on, but it never came out right. i told our chaplain once, unsure at that time what the church's, and therefore the school's, reaction would be if they knew a lesbian may be in their midst. i wonder what he thinks now, seeing me now and then in the present day at the theatre from time to time, talking openly with anyone about my attraction to girls and kissing a girl in front of everyone.
in school, i was labelled lots of things too - loner and lesbian being the most popular. sitting aside from people and keeping to myself in class for the first year or so, not knowing anyone, i could see how i could be dubbed a loner. but lesbian? was it possible? no one knew anything... besides what proof was there? my clothes? i wore the same uniform as everyone else...? truth be told, even now i dont know why they called me that. i wish i knew. i think they knew and dealt with it before i did.
when i came out to my bestfriend, her reaction was so small i was surprised. i dont think it was really a shock to anyone. it still makes me laugh when i get the odd person who stares wide-eyed at me and asks "really???"
i could never get into relationships with guys, and still cant. i've admitted now that i can't really be in an actual relationship with a male, because I don't respect them as partners, only as friends. it's safe to say that i've used guys for sex, because out of the few guys i managed to go out with, that's all most wanted from me anyway. -that's not an excuse, just a reason. - there's really only one guy i'd ever go out with and love and be loyal to, but i can't have him, and though i was hurt by that fact at first, i've moved on and we're friends. cest la vie.
back to labels - i call myself 'bi' because that's what society calls me; someone who is able to have a sexual attraction to either a male or a female. but really i dont care anymore. i used to be offended when people would call me a lesbian, for that's not what i am, but either way now i settle for whatever you're comfortable calling me... even if that is a dyke or a bitch or a whore or whatever. my mother doesn't believe in bisexuality, so she calls me a lesbian. i dont care anymore. i know who i am, and that's all that should matter.
8:39 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Tuesday 18 May 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
Let's call today: 'Monday 17 May 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
so much pain
i found this in the back of an old school folder I used in Year 12. i remember writing it.
(...evidently unfinished...)
The bars across my window.
The clouds that darken the sky.
The chains that shackle my hands.
The pain when I want to fly.
Ears listen when I want to whisper.
Eyes watch when I try to make a move.
Words speak when I need to be heard.
(......) 'cos I will be going soon.
The sun beats down on the outside.
The grass so green, the sky so blue.
The rain pours down in my head.
(..........)
Doors lock when I try to break out.
Blinds close when I try to see the moon.
Boards creak when I try to be free.
(......) 'cos I will be going soon.
what was happening in my life, i wonder, for me to write like that?
8:36 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Friday 14 May 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
when i came out
when i came out - you laughed at me. when i came out - you knocked me down. when i came out - you dismissed me. when i came out - you hated me. when i came out - you held me. when i came out - you smiled at me. when i came out - you didnt believe me. when i came out - you protected me. when i came out - you loved me.
when i came out - mum, ben m, leah, jon, nathan, mary, sara p, katie, carly.
what would you have done, if I had come out to you?
i like to think it'd make no difference.
but i wonder if you'd think me cold.
funny how someone you've known a lifetime
seems different once you have been told.
but now you're gone and you know everything.
please don't look down on me and be sad.
i'm still the little girl you loved.
and i'm sorry if you think i'm bad.
i think of you and i still weep.
please dont hate me, i never lied.
please dont think I'm less than before
because i never told you before you died.
8:24 pm | Post A Comment... >
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
we are so small
it's funny isn't it? how we sweat the small stuff, how everything seems so huge. but really, when you think about it... just how important is that small stuff?
so you don't have a big TV or a DVD player or surround sound or pay TV.
so you don't have a big shiny expensive car.
so you're single, broke, and out of shape.
so you've never seen the world or the rest of your country.
as long as you're warm, eating, and have friends, i don't believe much else matters.
we are so small. too small to worry about everything at once. small. so small.
6:50 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Thursday 6 May 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
thoughts on martians
sometimes i read your site
i said i never would again.
sometimes i punish myself with your words
i said i never would again.
i'm sorry i'd hurt you all so much
i never knew i could again.
i'm sorry i'd done it all wrong in your eyes
i never knew i could again.
i've only done what i could do
too bad it's not enough.
i fought, i lied, i broke, i cried
too bad it's not enough.
but its not my fault you set me up
i'm innocent, god knows.
you talk as though i planned it all
i'm innocent, god knows.
so strike me down if you feel you must
you can't hurt me anymore.
your silence means i forget you're there.
you can't hurt me anymore.
but touch her and i won't hold back
don't think that i won't want to.
i feel for you, but for her more
don't think that i won't want to.
i know you hurt but i can't help
so take your hurt somewhere else.
and your hurt too makes others hurt
so take your hurt somewhere else.
even this will cause you grief
so maybe i shouldn't say it.
whatever i think, it's not what you want
so maybe i shouldn't say it.
but then i recall, in the haze of it all
why the fuck should i care?
you're no one to me, and no one i trust
why the fuck should i care?
it's because you're a person, and i am a person
and i hate how much i care.
i want to fix, but the fixing's not mine
and i hate how much i care.
i laughed at how much you read into me
but it's not just you who had hurt.
i talk like i'm strong and unfazed by it all
but it's not just you who had hurt.
the one thing i've learnt is no one has control
i'm innocent, god knows.
hate me if you want, blame me all you like
but i'm innocent
i'm innocent, god knows.
6:38 pm | Post A Comment... >
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