Let's call today: 'Tuesday 27 July 2004'
pirategirl 
wrote in the notebook:
yes, it's me again..... well that's a stupid thing to say... of course it's me again... hmmm... ok... let me start over here...
ah who cares anyway? so hey everyone. i've been a slacko huh? sorry about that. coming home wet cold and muddy doesnt really leave me in a talkative mood. and right now everyone's in bed so i dont know if i'll stay long or not.
last night was a shitter. my stupid fucking mother and her stupid fucking views on same-sex relationships, not to mention the one i am currently in. i pretty much told her to stay out of it, that we gotta agree-to-disagree because she has admitted she doesnt understand, and i know she never will, so let it go.
she persisted - typical of my mother to say the least, after-thoughts are common occurrences, and it drags something that can be done in one or two sittings to last a whole day - so she got some honesty for a change, which i think startled her. but i'm sick of submitting and bending my will to appease her. i feel like i have tried to do everything she's wanted me to do and it's still not good enough. i have looked after her when no one else would, and when there was no one to look after me in turn. i have kept the level-headed one and been the one to give her advice when she gets upset over something.
sounds like a little role reversal doesnt it?
well friends, that is how it has been most of my life from about 12 onwards. i skipped being a teenager. i grew up when i was 13, being the emotional rock that was so badly needed in my house. by the time i was 17 more and more things began to pile up.
my nan got sicker and sicker, i was there.
my brother - and his partner - and his infant daughter - came to live with us, i was there.
the families fought, i was there.
they left again, i was there.
my nan lived with us, i was there.
my mum nursed her, i was there.
my dad moved out, i was there.
my nan died, i was there.
more families fought, i was there.
and they wondered why i loved escaping into schoolwork or books or films or esp travel.
and now it's my dad who's getting sick. and mum will care for him like she did her mother. but i wont... i cant... be there for her to lean on like i was before. ever since my nan finally died, i havent been able to, and i think somewhere inside she's always hated me for it. then since i travelled, i found freedom and independence, only to come back here, and i think she's somewhere inside she's always hated me for it.
so, soon it's time to go. and leave this place, this sanctuary and this prison. My room sometimes being my only refuge, i understand what it's like for people who share houses. "I was dismayed to find my fortress so small, and could be invaded so easily." When i wrote that for a novel, it came from the very soul of me. and even today, it still rings true.
i hate it here.
soon, mum will buy another investment property, and i will move into that, just as her son and his current partner has done. and it will be the greatest gift she could give me.
i found some verse i had written, in a folder amid my old uni work. they're not here right now, but next time i have them, i'll post them here.
then, as now, way down i was not a very happy real life girl.
am i unhappy now? yes, right right now, i am. but generally in myself i'm not really that unhappy. i am much more content where i'm at now than at many other points in my life. and that's the result of a many number of things.
things do happen for the better, even tho they may never seem like it at the time. despite what you believe, there is some higher power at work. call it karma, call it god, call it the earth, call it magic pixies fiddling with your shit, but whatever it is... the big picture and retrospect shows that everything happens for a reason, and everyone has a purpose.
i can get quite profound late at night can't i?
it's now 11:15, which means its taken me 47 minutes to write this. and i wont deny that i was teary through some of it. if you could hear the few tapes i have when, as a teenager, i would pour my heart out into the cassette recorder, you would hear the painful sound of deep anguish from someone very sad. when i listen to her or even think of who i was then. my eyes always go blurry.
right on cue.
i am going to sleep now. i dont think i want to think anymore tonight.
dont you just love rutts?
10:28 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Wednesday 21 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
She's Leaving Home
The Beatles
Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins
Silently closing her bedroom door
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more
She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief
Quietly turing the backdoor key
Stepping outside she is free.
She We gave her most of our lives
is leaving Sacraficed most of our lives
home We gave her everything money could buy
She's leaving home after living alone
For so many years. Bye, bye
Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown
Picks up the letter that's lying there
Standing alone at the top of the stairs
She breaks down and cries to her husband
Daddy our baby's gone.
Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly
How could she do this to me.
She We never though of ourselves
Is leaving Never a thought for ourselves
home We struggled hard all our lives to get by
She's leaving home after living alone
For so many years. Bye, bye
Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away
Waiting to keep the appointment she made
Meeting a man from the motor trade.
She What did we do that was wrong
Is having We didn't know it was wrong
Fun Fun is the one thing that money can't buy
Something inside that was always denied
For so many years. Bye, Bye
She's leaving home bye bye
9:41 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Monday 19 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
things that have made me happy today.
-the dickface that was protesting against Home Icecream because their bell on the truck was too noisy has withdrawn his petition because the council rejected it (go dad!)
-it's payday.
-i was the shed hero for 10 minutes at work today for climbing up with a broom to get lids down from the storage space above the coolroom.
-KT, mousie and I have planned another photo-shoot on Wednesday.
things that have pissed me off today.
-having to come in to work on a monday which is normally my day off.
-having to come in to work on a monday, the day that my boss is in all day.
-knowing i have to come in to work on a monday next week and every week after that. -having nothing but soup for morning tea and lunch.
-looking forward to these cheese risotto rissoles for dinner all day only to find them too spicy to enjoy.
-having my boss say 'i cant think of everything' but expecting me to.
-finishing at 4:30pm on a day i was told would finish well before three.
-seeing yet another pedestrian was hit by a car a few blocks away from my house at the same place a young child was hit and killed not long ago.
-my back, neck and shoulders, ignored the paracetamol i took and prevailed with their plight of pain.
-because i was out of work later than usual, i couldnt get The Oracle copied today, which puts me a day behind.
-Jan-the-Man thinks everyone's an idiot - but they're still good enough to borrow money from.
a bit too outnumbered for my liking.
wow, as if my dad knows what 'overzealous' means......
5:16 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Sunday 18 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
i dont know if im happy or sad. its a horrible feeling. i never did like it.
on the plus side, i have a heap of crates that i'm going to sand down and paint and make into shelves, as inspired by ember and matt.
isn't that exciting?
5:25 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Friday 16 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
right now i am talking to mia on the phone. she's in melbourne working and apparently there's a girl who works in her kitchen called Lisa who is exactly like me.
she must be a fucking awesome chick then.
6:56 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Tuesday 13 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
a burning feeling soars through my core.
it sets my soul aflame.
the very centre of me is on fire.
is it love?
no
its a fucking sinus infection.
2:55 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Sunday 11 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
today started like any other seemingly innocuous of days.
i was woken, as usual, by breakfast in bed, a cup of tea and an overly cheery disposition. this is usually brushed off by an admittedly rude half-asleep grunt, but today i was talkative and unusually quite content to discuss whatever irrelevant and insignificant with my mother. apart from waking up initially thinking it was monday, my day off, today was going to be a good day, i thought.
knowing then what i know now about how the day would progress, id have stayed in bed.
after enjoying a slight sleep-in, i drive thru the winter drizzle and arrive late to work. i turn into the private road to come face to face to the tractor, and have to back out and wait until it had reached its fork and turned off into the field. not a problem. so far so good.
i notice mine iss the only car in the carpark - which means we we're 2 pickers short.... again. I come in, do the little bit that's required in my corner and go out to wash some stock that Bennan had picked by himself earlier. With my hands submersed in freezing cold water, wearing thick waterproof gloves that work better at being waterproof if there were no holes in the finger tips, I hear the other pickers arrive finally.
"Sorry, we had a flat tire."
Ok fair enough.
Then they disappear to join Bennan in the kitchen. They've been gone all morning, been here 5 minutes and now they're on a break?? I continued washing.
Later inside.
Where the hell's my rosemary? Brr Brr. "Mum? Is there a box of rosemary on the porch that maybe I missed this morning?"
"Nope, nothing there at all."
"Okay, they've forgotten about it. I'll wait for them to bring it here. Thanks."
Bliiiip. '1 New Message' says my mobile phone. "Tell Mum we'll be late. See you soon."
What? I'm not even fucking home.
I turn around to hear what my shed worker is saying.
"Can I go after I finish today's packs?"
Yeah, we're doing ok today. "Sure, but before you do can you pick some sage?"
A groan is the response. Followed by a lowered head and a 10 minute whine about how bad the sage is and its sooooooooo hard to make 15 bunches and how much we hate doing sage and blah blah blah.
Okay okay forget it. I'll do it. Go home when you're ready.
Bliiiip. '1 New Message' says my mobile phone again. "Get credit soon xx"
If you want to pay for it.... But still, I was happy to get that message.
Riiing Riiing. My boss calls the shed. "How you guys doing today? I'll be out of here about three."
Wha? Why are you checking up on me? "We're going alright. See you then."
Another hour or so and the 2 latecomers are inside again.
"We're going home because she has a stomach ache."
Grrrr... "Okay, fine. Hope you feel better."
I view the picking board that shows us what's happening and what we need for the day. Then I check what still needs doing in my corner.
"Hey, do you mind if you do stay a little longer, now that they've gone, to do a little bit more? You can still go early..."
A further 15 minutes of bitching and whining and 'that's not my problem' crap.
Fine. I don't fucking want you here anyway if you're gonna be like that. "Okay Okay Okay - finish what you're doing and go. Good? Good."
Bennan comes in and I tell him what still needs to be done. Pretty soon it's just him and me. I give him instructions and go out to pick my sage.
Bliiiip. '1 New Message' says my mobile phone yet again. "I'm going to Dublin!"
Yes, I know... you emailed me ages ago and told me..... ?
I bring in my sage and begin to bunch it. The boss comes in. I finish the sage and go help Bennan. He hasn't picked enough for one order in particular. Outranked now, I consult the matter with my boss.
"Well, she's expecting 3 kilo's of it!"
Okay, so we'll pick more of it. It's not fucking hard. "Alright" *insert strained fake smile*
"I've locked the bike away already!"
So? "That's okay, we'll walk."
*mumble mumble*
I know better than to ask her to repeat that, so I go out and continue to wash stock. It's past 5pm and has been raining on and off all day. Half of my time has been spent at the trough outside, so I am by now very damp and very cold.
Bennan has quite a bit more to pick so I come inside again and do odd bits and pieces of work that needs to be done.
"I mean, I would have picked it at the other farm but it wasn't ordered." Another 5 minute further broken lecture about the order we're short on.
Why the hell are we still talking about this??? "Yes, Jill."
I can hear that my CD is jumping. It's been on the same song back and forth for about 7 minutes. I take it out to find that it's been scratched by the dust and crap that's in the player. I turn off the stereo and go outside.
I pack the trailer as best I can, leaving room for the 2 boxes that are still to come. It's raining pretty steadily now, and I'm very ready to go home.
I sweep up. There's nothing left to do, and Bennan still isn't finished. I grab my cutters and walk over to the other side of the river to see if he needs help.
I bump into him coming back and we complete the day. The trailer is packed and all is ready.
Finally, time to go home. "Thanks Bennan, you're a great help."
I flip thru the folders by the sign out sheet.
Where the fuck is my timebook??? "Oh look Bennan, someone put my book in the 'O' section.... funny, I thought my lastname begun with 'F' hey?" *insert tired and somewhat disinterested forced laughter*
I grab my keys. "Okay, see you next time."
I staggered to my car and collapse into the drivers seat. I turn the key. The car groans in effort and is silent. Dead.
I look at the arm by the wheel. The lightswitch is still down. "For god's sake!" I curse aloud.
I walk back thru the muddy puddles and pot-holes to the shed.Brr Brr. "Ness? You don't feel like coming down and jumping my car do you?"
"Be there soon, sweetie."
Paul arrives at the end of Brookside Road and I walk up the dirt private road to find him and lead him back to my car, as Ness stays on my mobile phone and listens to me pour out my day. "Are you and/or Paulie in a bad mood today? 'Cos everyone else is..."
Ness and Paul are their usual beautiful kind selves and he jump starts my car and follows me out to make sure it's all ok.
"Thanks Paulie." I give him a massive hug and a bag of Tatsoi for Ness as a big thankyou. I can't seem to thank him enough.
Later on South Road he heads for his turn off and gives me a wave.
At least, the day wasn't *all* bad.
Walking thru the back door into my dining room I slide to the floor, then crawl to chair at the table where my family is finishing dinner.
Yum, chicken.
"Thank god that day's over."
6:40 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Tuesday 6 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
what the hell am i doing??
today, i felt the stupidly undeniable urge to drag my old mountain bike out of the garden shed and go for a ride.
i say 'old' - its only been ridden a handful of times and isnt even 2years old i dont think.
but anyway, anyone who knows me can see i'm not exactly the active girl down the street - perhaps on the street - but nonetheless i went for a small journey for a few blocks.
I dont want to be the kind of person that sits around all day surfing the net - doing bits and pieces of work in between surfing and eating and sitting on my backside seeing what joe bloggs (that old aussie 'john doe' name has taken a new twist to me now) is doing on the other side of the world.
My goal is to be able to ride as far as the train line and back, then as far as Carlys, then maybe Centro, then Mousie's place, and then once i'm feeling cocky about it, i'll try to tackle that fucking hill and attempt a journey to Alex and Bec's new place.
Lol - but this is all faaaaaaaaaaaaar away from now.
9:31 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Monday 5 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
sometimes i can almost make myself believe that i hate you.
i hate you.
no
i dont.
but sometimes.
3:52 pm | Post A Comment... >
Let's call today: 'Friday 2 July 2004'
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
$100,000,000 grand prize* if you can guess who i am
*offer not certified in any country
"No one comes to my site... boo hoo."
Yes, I have sunk to the level of mockery. So sue me. I really really don't fucking care anymore.
Who is 'sue' anyway? Is it possible to 'joanne' a person??
I know you can 'rob' someone, 'bill' someone, 'mark' someone, and 'mike' someone...
...and I know you can give people 'lee-way', you can sit on the 'john', and you can see a 'ray' of sunshine, or get 'matted' hair...
But why can't a person be vickied? or have a barry? or go for a sally while taking a joe? or be completely and utterly stephened???
AND WHY THE FUCK IS SUE THE ONLY FEMALE VERB THAT I COULD THINK OF? THAT ABSOLUTE FUCKING SLUT!!!!
8:04 pm | Post A Comment... >
pirategirl
wrote in the notebook:
They have those in the US???
The TV in this room is on - it usually always is - and they're talking about hotels in Las Vegas.
The American narrator just said:
And here we can look at this exquisite masterbedroom...
With his accent, and saying 'master bedroom' so quickly... surely i could be forgiven for hearing him talking about a hotel complete with a Masturbate Room?
5:37 pm | Post A Comment... >
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