This is just a blog for thoughts - songs that are speaking to me, pics from where I've been today, or projects on the drawing board. Just a random outlet. An area of free association. Comments welcome - though anon's are discouraged please. Enjoy your stay & come again. Please note: The content of this blog does not represent the views of any organisations to which I belong. disclaimer
the pirate girl
coeval happenings reading: Moab is my Washpot - Stephen Fry listening to:Napalm & Silly Putty - George Carlin travelling/staying in:SA, NSW & Vic - depending when you catch me
Let's call today: 'Monday, 20 February 2006'
wrote in the notebook:
Pennsylvania. Local time 4:57am. Last night here.
Just lookin' thru photos. I just must like torturing myself sometimes.
A four hour phonecall and a weight off my shoulders
Okay, so things look bright again this morning. Even though the last of the snow will melt away today, and the lake is too thin to walk on, and the deer have run away to find someone else to feed them; today will be a good day. Okay, so I haven't slept a whole night through, and my shoulders hurt and my toes won't warm up; I have clean clothes in my bag, money in my pocket, an empty camera with charged batteries, and breakfast is in an hour.
But this one came before all others, and I never knew that I'd kept a little room inside my heart, just for her, until I saw her again today.
I also never knew that I'd only remembered things the way I wanted to - maybe thinking of her in such a bad way made it easier to be away from her? Either way I was wrong. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry.
And to anyone else that I may also remember in the wrong light - I'm sorry too.
So my grandmother apparently only has days left. Isn't that exciting?
It's weird. I'm not as sad as I guess I should be. The couple of people I've told are all 'aww are you okay?'. And yeah I am.
Okay, yes by blood she is my grandmother, but it was my maternal grandmother that meant so much to me, and she's already gone. So I don't feel like I'm really losing anyone. I miss my Nanna so much. Whenever anything is bothering me I wish to anyone above to have her back just to hold me, knowing that she may not understand or be able to help, but was there anyway. I know she would have loved Carly and I'm forever sad she wasn't here to meet her.
To me the news about Grandma is somewhat of a relief; she won't be in pain anymore, and until she goes they're keeping her comfortable.
That said, the last time I saw her I curled up on the bed beside her and talked and it was nice and I remember thinking that it may be my last conversation with her. So I enjoyed our time together and kinda made my own closure if thats the right word to use.
As I pulled in I thought I really should have brought her something. I looked around my car and took the charity pin of a horse from my visor and took it to her. A real well-thought gift huh?
But she loved it. I knew she would. My eyes and my love for animals came from her.
I remember looking around her room and seeing the big old BW photo of her framed on the wall. She was a young woman then and kinda pretty. Around it, stuck in the frame were smaller pictures. All of them were more BW shots of her at various ages. Except one. A small colour picture of me poked out of the corner of the frame and it made me tear a tiny bit before looking away.
It's not her fault she didn't know how to show us love like my Nanna did. She chased her own son down the street with an axe when my he was younger, so maybe as kids we expected too much from her. Nonetheless it meant that as we got older she just became 'Dad's mother' to us, though she was still "Grandma" in name.
Everytime we visited her, conversation would almost always eventually drift to her neighbours and how she was convinced they were doing this or that and conspiring against her. She was nuts that way. Accusing everyone in her flatblock of all sorts of things. Convinced that everytime she went outside that they were pressed at their windows watching her. Haha and who knows? Maybe they were; they were just other lonely and crazy old people too after all.
The sad thing though is I guess I'll find out more about her when she's gone than I ever did before.
I could tell you the history of my mother's side several generations back. But other than knowing that I have a gay uncle and an aunt somewhere in Victoria, I know practically nothing of that side of my family. They don't talk about anything too far beneath the skin. Out of Grandma and himself, Dad is probably the more expressive with his feelings, but not by much - those who've met him, you'll know that that's pretty non-existent.
So I'm pretty much expecting her to be gone when I get back, and I'll help Mum finish sorting through the rest of her stuff that she's saved for my return because there's things I want to keep. Like her collection of old kitty statues I used to love staring in through the glass at when I was little, or the clock with the birds on it that we gave her because it reminded us of her and knew she'd like it. And the pin from my visor that day that made her so happy despite its lameness or lack of thought as a gift.
And once home, I guess I'll raise my glass to her and say 'I don't know if she loved me or not, and yeah she was kinda mean and grumpy and paranoid about the people around her, but she was my Grandma and I loved her anyway'.
It's sad when you realise you can't talk to someone like you used to.
I can't talk to one because we drifted apart, nor to another because they tell things to other people, nor yet another because they're far away and busy most of the time.
These three heard everything I'd pour out, and now I have no one.
That's a really depressing thing to know. I don't want to turn into one of those lunatics who blogs every mulling thought to turn over in their head. Sure, some of those get blogged. But for the most part, I deal with things through talking to certain people.
Now it seems my list of 'people to call when I really need them no matter what' shrinks still.
I love how it's an international problem: Pay TV with a bazillion channels - Nothing's on.
That said, I saw Ferris Bueller's Day Off again today for the first time in ages. I think it re-awakened my love for Matthew Broderick in a way that the giant puppet of Simba in Animal Kindom's Festival of The Lion King couldn't do.
So peoples, what's been goin down? Or should I say "who"? Bahaha I'm so funny. No, probably just frustrated in the manner that makes sensible people like myself resort to crude comments of that nature. I do apologise. It shan't happen again... in the next 20mins or so anyway. After that I make no promises.
So yes in case you can't tell this post contains nothing of use whatsoever, and I'm sorry I just robbed 3minutes of your life by having you read this crap.
Perhaps being in the United States this long has infected me with the power of talking complete and utter bullshit.
Well chin up my lovely squirrels, I'll be among you all again soon. My time here is almost over - and so is this post. Fare thee well.
what i like (if its not italicized it doesnt neccessarily mean i dont like it, i'm just not good with titles)
1 Wish You Well - Bernard Fanning 2 Catch My Disease - Ben Lee 3 Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz 4 Best Of You - Foo Fighters 5 Dare - Gorillaz 6 Mind's Eye - Wolfmother 7 My Doorbell - The White Stripes 8 O Yeah - End Of Fashion 9 Joker & The Thief - Wolfmother 10 Do You Want To - Franz Ferdinand 11 Fig Jam - Butterfingers 12 Computer Camp Love - Datarock 13 Gold Digger - Kanye West 14 Songbird - Bernard Fanning 15 Flame Trees - Sarah Blasko 16 Apple Tree - Wolfmother 17 Blue Orchid - The White Stripes 18 I Was Only 19 - The Herd 19 Middle Of The Hill - Josh Pyke 20 DOA - Foo Fighters 21 Hurricane - Faker 22 Do-Do's And Whoa-Oh's - Kisschasy 23 Two More Years - Bloc Party 24 Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo - The Bloodhound Gang 25 The Car Song - The Cat Empire 26 Fix You - Coldplay 27 B.Y.O.B. - System Of A Down 28 Everyday I Love You Less & Less - The Kaiser Chiefs 29 Fast Girl - Gyroscope 30 Concrete Boots - After The Fall 31 The Special Two - Missy Higgins 32 My Enemy - Cog 33 Phoenix - The Butterfly Effect 34 I Predict A Riot - The Kaiser Chiefs 35 Girl - Beck 36 Speed Of Sound - Coldplay 37 Dimension - Wolfmother 38 Sly - The Cat Empire 39 Colossal - Wolfmother 40 Helicopter - Bloc Party 41 Dirty Harry - Gorillaz 42 Sweet As Sugar - Grinspoon 43 Autumn Flow - Lior 44 Sunny Road - Emiliana Torrini 45 Positive Tension - Bloc Party 46 Juicebox - The Strokes 47 Stuff & Nonsense - Missy Higgins 48 An Honest Mistake - The Bravery 49 What's On Your Radio - The Living End 50 I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - The Arctic Monkeys 51 Be Yourself - Audioslave 52 America, F**K Yeah! - Team America 53 We're All In This Together - Ben Lee 54 Two Shoes - The Cat Empire 55 Landed - Ben Folds 56 It's 5! - Architecture In Helsinki 57 Radio/Video - System Of A Down 58 Little Sister - Queens Of The Stone Age 59 Bloody Mother F***ing Asshole - Martha Wainwright 60 All The Money Or The Simple Life Honey - The Dandy Warhols 61 Jesus Of Suburbia - Green Day 62 Beware Wolf - Gyroscope 63 Divorcee At 23 - Clare Bowditch & The Feeding Set 64 Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson 65 Always Worth It - Sarah Blasko 66 Gabrielle - Ween 67 The Denial Twist - The White Stripes 68 Ashes - The Beautiful Girls 69 Jesus I Was Evil - Butterfingers 70 This Year - The Mountain Goats 71 Run - Cog 72 I'm So Post Modern - The Bedroom Philosopher 73 Better Together - Jack Johnson 74 The Sound Of White - Missy Higgins 75 Que Onda Guero - Beck 76 Hypnotize - System Of A Down 77 First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes 78 The Fighter - After The Fall 79 F*** Forever - Babyshambles 80 Believe - The Chemical Brothers 81 Let's Take The Long Way Home - The Beautiful Girls 82 Smoke It - The Dandy Warhols 83 Filthy Gorgeous - Scissor Sisters 84 White Unicorn - Wolfmother 85 Tightrope Walker - Epicure 86 Into The Dark - Ben Lee 87 We Can't Hear You - The Herd 88 Like Eating Glass - Bloc Party 89 Bastard - Ben Folds 90 Walk Away - Franz Ferdinand 91 Heartstopper - Emiliana Torrini 92 Messages - Xavier Rudd 93 The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand 94 On This Side - Clare Bowditch & The Feeding Set 95 Face Without A Name - Kisschasy 96 Six Months In A Leaky Boat - Little Birdy 97 Themata - Karnivool 98 Why Do You Love Me - Garbage 99 Evie (Pt.1) - The Wrights 100 Party Started - The Cat Empire