This is just a blog for thoughts - songs that are speaking to me, pics from where I've been today, or projects on the drawing board. Just a random outlet. An area of free association. Comments welcome - though anon's are discouraged please. Enjoy your stay & come again. Please note: The content of this blog does not represent the views of any organisations to which I belong. disclaimer
the pirate girl
coeval happenings reading: Moab is my Washpot - Stephen Fry listening to:Napalm & Silly Putty - George Carlin travelling/staying in:SA, NSW & Vic - depending when you catch me
Let's call today: 'Monday, 30 April 2007'
wrote in the notebook:
Ever have one of those days when you wake up and for a little while it's a new day and you've completely forgotten whatever was weighing on you before you went to bed? Then you remember and you want to go back to sleep to wake up free once more.
Today started like that. But rather than going back to sleep, I'm watching dvd's in bed. Enjoying the empty house. Looking at the blue sky and green grass after our three days of beautiful delivering rain. Trying to remember whatever pretty things that I know I dreamt about last nite, but can't recall them.
I was saved by a dream that I don't remember. I just know that it was nice. Yay for nice dreams.
so lastnite my 'think about what you want' became a 'if you don't care about me, fuck off and leave me alone'. she's not worth me. i feel better.
anyway, working tonite (relatively boring as the nite was), I realised I haven't really blogged about Melbourne. i was going to remedy that, but since it's almost dawn and I'm tired, I'll give you an IOU instead - leaving this pathetic excuse for a post in its place.
I just got home from spending a few hours at her place after work, finally getting a fraction of what I had to say/ask out. As I resigned myself to leave the situation to go home and sleep, standing in her doorway with her cuddling me and me not really returning it, I told her that I suggest she think about what she wanted from me. Want me or don't want me. Not this shit in between, because I promised myself earlier this year that I wasn't going to put up with that crap anymore. I deserve better. I know that.
Lately, whenever I've touched skin with another person, it's left a tingly spot and an unsettled feeling. Just now I gave the phone to my Dad and our hands touched in the transfer. I had to shake myself. And yesterday I went out with Nathan and he put his hand on my knee while I was driving and I flinched a bit. I feel like Amelie's mother in the start of the film, I draw my hand back fast sometimes. Me. The tactile junkie. Flinching at contact.
I think it may be work. Having strict no contact rules with customers has left me not only paying for things by placing money on the counter instead of into the cashiers' hands, but also somewhat rather isolated. I guess that's why hugs backstage are welcomed so readily; regardless of who from, and whether or not I probably really maybe shouldn't be hugging them.
Monday night I indulged in a small moment of breaking, putting away for a minute my 'you're not worth my tears' face that I'd donned, and opening the valve slightly to release the pressure of self-pity and disappointment. Hating myself at slipping, at taking a chance on someone again, thinking it may have worked.
Then, exhausted, I switched back into the here and now and shook my head at the confusion and turned my back to the damnable misery of it all. If I hadn't just decided to give it shot, it probably wouldn't hurt so much.
And if I could actually sit down and have my questions answered maybe it'd give me closure. And if there wasn't so much acting like nothing happened, and open arms alternating with pushing hands, I wouldn't be so lost.
As I said to David in pitstop lastweek 'I came here to work, not to be fucked around.'
And in another to-the-minute update: my parents are fucktards who irritate me with simply each breath
Things that have made me frown today Being woken up too early for a back and forth sms conversation that yielded not much more than me feeling hopeful then me feeling cruddy There is no real food in my house and hasn't been for a while - I think the food at work is what's been sustaining me these last few weeks. I missed out on my dream scooter by $5 on ebay.
Things that have made smile today I've just gotten myself some KT Tunstall and Missy Higgins tracks. I've just found out that they're in pre-production and filming stages of the next 2 Chronicles of Narnia (oh aslan!). I bought a new shirt with awesome cuffs and spotted tie and I look hella hot in them. So I'm wearing the shirt and my Hurrah For Tim shirt Eli made me over the top. I have the house to myself, I'm watching DVDs and Cooper curled up on my lap and we had a long cuddle fest.
It strangely reminded me of a story his mother told me (I vaguely remember the details.) She told me of a dying uncle. He had all his family around him on his death bed and in his delirium, looked at an empty part of the room and began talking to his best friend (Bob?) that had died long before him. "Is it time now Bob?", he called out and reached out to where his ghostly friend stood in his mind. "That's good." he said with a smile and then died.
No hero complex, no need to swoop in to save the day, no one to rescue. I might try being a real person for a change. I have a good kisser and a good hugger and someone happy who wants me, I think I'm going to make the most of it. I have friends' approval after meeting her, so I'm happy with that. I'm happy to try. Deep breath, let's open the gates again.
one of those boring "listen to me ramble on about what's happening in my life" posts
So my first couple of shifts are down. Other than some first nighter nerves, a few screw-ups becoming familiar with the non-practise chips, and changing my sleep pattern to suit night-shift, I had a pretty fun time.
I hated Big Wheel - mostly because it was the first time I'd ever seen or touched real chips and the colours and weight are so different I didn't know what was what, AND sometimes you have to know your 23 and 47 times tables. But I was only on the wheel for a little while, otherwise I was on the tables. Having had more training there than on Big Wheel, most of the game comes naturally to me now. The Wheel... screw that, I just like the part where I get to spin it.
With a 15 break every hour, the games go fast. So really unless you're tired like I was Friday night (don't worry I'm getting to that), the shifts don't seem that daunting. Also, I talk to the players alot and try to be entertaining and usually create some kind of rapport so I have fun too. If nothing else, for the sake of my own sanity.
Anyway, my first shift kept me pretty much on the floor, and my breaks didn't sync up with my girl's at all, and she finished 4 hours before me. I was a bit disappointed and got a tiny bit moody cos I'd been looking forward to catching up since Friday, but in my whole 'let's play the slow game' mentality, we never swapped numbers.
On my second to last break I went to my locker and found she'd slid her number in through my door. So when I finished, I messaged her saying I was sad to have missed her, not having seen her for almost a week.
I shan't bore you with the back-and-forth sms conversation but bascially my car was still in Noarlunga, the trains didn't start running again for another 90mins so she picked me up and I stayed at her place.
Again, no boring (nor not-so-boring) details to be shared, but simply put I had a really nice night/day with her til I had to go back to work. Of course I didn't schedule in nearly as much sleep as I needed - vicki usually preferring 12 hours if she can manage it - so I was rather whiney at work. No doubt the impromptu visit to the driving range in Glenelg where I hit my first golfball... hey i wasn't tooooo bad... took its toll on my body too, as my non-golfer muscles screamed at me for ever attempting such a passtime while I tried to work later.
My workmates kept poking me and telling me how inordinately whiney I was being. Okay and a bit giggly too.
Oh dear god I've just realised... I'm the girly one...