Grey

solecism
(or que sera sera)

this is pretty much inspired by carly's post, 'Label with Care' on her blog, but also to tie in with my previous post on the den.

i remember in the middle of all the commotion that fateful day on the schoolbus hearing the words 'i know what you are' before the first blow hit me. before the blood came to my mouth or the tears to my eyes, before i had began repeating in my head why? why? why?, before all eyes and ears turned away in ignorance of the truth behind the little 'play fight' in the rear of the bus... i knew what i was too, and i hated me.

the first time i ever remember having feelings for a girl was in year 8. she was in the year above me and was everything that i wanted to be. i was infatuated with her, i guess i even held her up on a little too high a pedestal. but ah young love and the traps you set for yourself when you start to recognise those feelings of more than friendship. feelings for someone of the same gender is even more confusing, especially when it goes against everything society and religion tells us is right and acceptable.

i went to a lutheran school in the country. from what i've heard first hand, it's one of the most homophobic schools in the southern area - at least it was when i went there. country towns aren't famous for their queer tolerance at the best of times, but worse still when you have the over-eager misquoting christian side of things thrown into the bargain.

but anyway, its fair to say that i didnt feel safe. i guess i never really did. i never told anyone what i felt. i tried telling the few girls that i had had crushes on, but it never came out right. i told our chaplain once, unsure at that time what the church's, and therefore the school's, reaction would be if they knew a lesbian may be in their midst. i wonder what he thinks now, seeing me now and then in the present day at the theatre from time to time, talking openly with anyone about my attraction to girls and kissing a girl in front of everyone.

in school, i was labelled lots of things too - loner and lesbian being the most popular. sitting aside from people and keeping to myself in class for the first year or so, not knowing anyone, i could see how i could be dubbed a loner. but lesbian? was it possible? no one knew anything... besides what proof was there? my clothes? i wore the same uniform as everyone else...? truth be told, even now i dont know why they called me that. i wish i knew. i think they knew and dealt with it before i did.

when i came out to my bestfriend, her reaction was so small i was surprised. i dont think it was really a shock to anyone. it still makes me laugh when i get the odd person who stares wide-eyed at me and asks "really???"

i could never get into relationships with guys, and still cant. i've admitted now that i can't really be in an actual relationship with a male, because I don't respect them as partners, only as friends. it's safe to say that i've used guys for sex, because out of the few guys i managed to go out with, that's all most wanted from me anyway. -that's not an excuse, just a reason. - there's really only one guy i'd ever go out with and love and be loyal to, but i can't have him, and though i was hurt by that fact at first, i've moved on and we're friends. cest la vie.

back to labels - i call myself 'bi' because that's what society calls me; someone who is able to have a sexual attraction to either a male or a female. but really i dont care anymore. i used to be offended when people would call me a lesbian, for that's not what i am, but either way now i settle for whatever you're comfortable calling me... even if that is a dyke or a bitch or a whore or whatever. my mother doesn't believe in bisexuality, so she calls me a lesbian. i dont care anymore. i know who i am, and that's all that should matter.

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