Grey

yes, it's me again..... well that's a stupid thing to say... of course it's me again... hmmm... ok... let me start over here...

ah who cares anyway? so hey everyone. i've been a slacko huh? sorry about that. coming home wet cold and muddy doesnt really leave me in a talkative mood. and right now everyone's in bed so i dont know if i'll stay long or not.

last night was a shitter. my stupid fucking mother and her stupid fucking views on same-sex relationships, not to mention the one i am currently in. i pretty much told her to stay out of it, that we gotta agree-to-disagree because she has admitted she doesnt understand, and i know she never will, so let it go.

she persisted - typical of my mother to say the least, after-thoughts are common occurrences, and it drags something that can be done in one or two sittings to last a whole day - so she got some honesty for a change, which i think startled her. but i'm sick of submitting and bending my will to appease her. i feel like i have tried to do everything she's wanted me to do and it's still not good enough. i have looked after her when no one else would, and when there was no one to look after me in turn. i have kept the level-headed one and been the one to give her advice when she gets upset over something.

sounds like a little role reversal doesnt it?

well friends, that is how it has been most of my life from about 12 onwards. i skipped being a teenager. i grew up when i was 13, being the emotional rock that was so badly needed in my house. by the time i was 17 more and more things began to pile up.

my nan got sicker and sicker, i was there.
my brother - and his partner - and his infant daughter - came to live with us, i was there.
the families fought, i was there.
they left again, i was there.
my nan lived with us, i was there.
my mum nursed her, i was there.
my dad moved out, i was there.
my nan died, i was there.
more families fought, i was there.

and they wondered why i loved escaping into schoolwork or books or films or esp travel.

and now it's my dad who's getting sick. and mum will care for him like she did her mother. but i wont... i cant... be there for her to lean on like i was before. ever since my nan finally died, i havent been able to, and i think somewhere inside she's always hated me for it. then since i travelled, i found freedom and independence, only to come back here, and i think she's somewhere inside she's always hated me for it.

so, soon it's time to go. and leave this place, this sanctuary and this prison. My room sometimes being my only refuge, i understand what it's like for people who share houses. "I was dismayed to find my fortress so small, and could be invaded so easily." When i wrote that for a novel, it came from the very soul of me. and even today, it still rings true.

i hate it here.

soon, mum will buy another investment property, and i will move into that, just as her son and his current partner has done. and it will be the greatest gift she could give me.

i found some verse i had written, in a folder amid my old uni work. they're not here right now, but next time i have them, i'll post them here.

then, as now, way down i was not a very happy real life girl.

am i unhappy now? yes, right right now, i am. but generally in myself i'm not really that unhappy. i am much more content where i'm at now than at many other points in my life. and that's the result of a many number of things.

things do happen for the better, even tho they may never seem like it at the time. despite what you believe, there is some higher power at work. call it karma, call it god, call it the earth, call it magic pixies fiddling with your shit, but whatever it is... the big picture and retrospect shows that everything happens for a reason, and everyone has a purpose.

i can get quite profound late at night can't i?

it's now 11:15, which means its taken me 47 minutes to write this. and i wont deny that i was teary through some of it. if you could hear the few tapes i have when, as a teenager, i would pour my heart out into the cassette recorder, you would hear the painful sound of deep anguish from someone very sad. when i listen to her or even think of who i was then. my eyes always go blurry.

right on cue.

i am going to sleep now. i dont think i want to think anymore tonight.

dont you just love rutts?

10:28 pm | Post A Comment... >

homepage | back to top | ...