Grey

i can still smell dope on my clothes - faintly, for the smell of other herbs is overwhelming.

no, before you ask, i did not have a toke after work. but i gave a workmate a lift to the pub on the way home, and she lit up in my car with her window open... but all the breeze did was blow it over to me and into the rest of the car..... since i cant smoke (anything at all) because i have truly non-smoker lungs, i have to rely on the very rare contact highs... a grand total of perhaps 3 ever having occurred in my lifetime, but still, i like the smell. and cookies.

other than that tiny touch of drug use... i am not a pot smoker... in fact the only drugs that appear in my system with any regularity are over-the-counter ones. so im boring. who cares.... anyone who's seen me in full swing knows that i need niether drugs nor alcohol to go to the next level.

ah, if only i could bottle whatever flows thru my veins and sell it - i'd make a fucking fortune in the drug community - the good thing is its non-destructive.... with the exception of lack of sleep.

"sleep is for the weak" - my famous last words, heard echoing across the silent neighbourhood at 5am before I collapse where I stand into an exhausted heap, the surviving revellers stepping over me, and perhaps stopping to throw a blanket over me.... or tapping me on the shoulder to whisper 'buddy, wake up, you gotta go to work.'

today, my 'employer' - that is, if you can call her one - said that the stock i packed on sunday was 'ratshit' and that we can lose customers that way.

Are you allowed to talk to me like that? *blink* "....sorry....." *blink* and walk away.

I would love to back her into a fight..... Ann told me she yells at you, with her face right in yours and screams. Ann cried. I wouldn't cry, at least not because she yelled at me. My tears are far far too precious to be spent that way. No, I scream right back. She's short too - that'd encourage me. That'd press me harder to yell at her. And once Id started... fuck it... I'm in trouble already, let's plough on....

I would take a step forward, and put that low silky tone into my voice that I love hearing so much onstage. The only time I remember clearly ever using that for real was when I blocked my father's strike automatically, without thinking, and warned, almost growled, "don't you ever hit me." When i think of it now, many years later, I recognise it as one of my early switches into someone much stronger than I.

And I would tap into this mindset again with this woman. Using all of her weakness, which with my mother's inherited gift of discernment, radiates from her when she talks to me, and all of my height and strength and intimidation that I hated so much in school, I would tell her finally that I was sick of her shit and leave that shed forever.

She probably wouldn't care, but at least I'd feel better.

Hahaha. It's funny how you change your mind about things, isn't it? I remember I was seen as the intimidating tomboy, who beat up the boys and scorned the girls, and could never be close to anyone - I hated this image. I used to endlessly try to change it. But my height and demeanour would always betray me.

Now though, things are different. I use my mask of intimidation to my advantage. Still sometimes, I feel a slight sting when I detect someone shying away from me because of it. But I brush it off. It's had to work for me in so many ways: that day with my father, standing up for myself against my mother a few times, taking Mel from her father one afternoon, being 'out' and staying safe, standing up for my friends like the true scorpio I am, it goes on and on and on.

I miss this strength when I need it.

I think I need to be onstage again. I've been myself for too long.

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