Grey

meh

ok - so now that i've recovered from that bout of crappiness... on to some profound thinking.

sorry for the boredom to follow - i just need an outlet. and handwriting takes more energy than this.

so feel free to disregard the self indulgent non-sensical rabble.

so, he says he doesn't want to need me. i don't want to need him either.
he says he doesn't want to hurt me. i don't want to hurt him either.
i see so much of me in him. *laugh* and i'm not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing.
so what now? i'm tired of sitting around 'working things out'. i've done that all before, before him, and i don't want to feel like i'm wasting time or energy again, like i have with my relationships before.

so what's stopping me from just having fun? i had fun tonight. the inside of my head should have been screaming at me to stop what little we did, but it only whispered a suggestion, then was silent.

do you ever wish you could just turn off your brain?

i want more, but cant have it - so why cant i just be happy with what i have?
i know why, because i've settled for less than i deserve before, and promised i wouldnt again.

"its a common trait, we're all the same
no one wants to make the same mistakes again."
i wrote that in my notebook on the bus today.

sometimes i just want to run away. not just from him, or from my previous lovers, but from this place and this time, and from me.
the problem is i know my thoughts will find me.
i drive myself mad.
i really do.
i know its wrong to blame people; i know that i do it to myself.
people have told me i'm happy to stay in the place i get to sometimes, and i guess i must be. but what do i get out of it? why do i like it?
for sympathy? to be looked after?

it doesnt make sense, im more the other way around i've always thought. I'm the one who needs to be needed, not the one needing. I'm the protector, the defender. I need people to run to me, curl up into my arms and say "vicki, please make it all better"... so i ask again: why do i do it?

gah, im thinking in circles again - *laugh* i hate doing that. it just wears me out.

when im with him, i do feel better when im sad or stressed or most of all lonely. my mistrust is slooooooowly dissipating, though me being me, it may never fade completely - with anyone.

i'm waiting for the time when he'll shake his head and say 'no sorry, this is all too hard' as i've often heard in my head before. which i'd be fine with, it'd save me doing it.
i was telling Ness tonite, i've already done the whole weird-talkingnonsense-doubtful-sulky psycho thing to him lastnite, alluded to whatever dissociation my doctor argues with me about, and yet he's still hanging around.
wouldnt that set off alarms and sirens yelling "hey a crazy girl, run! RUN!!"
what's up with that? that's usually a major show-stopper right there.

so maybe there's some truth in the possibility that i am cared for, as foreign as that concept still feels to me.

i dont know.
i guess i never deserted carly either when i knew she was - not sick cos i hate that word... but different. i thought it was just cos i was too, and i understood it.

...............hmm.

what do i really want?

someone, something i cant have.

so i should just move on, and try something else, something different.

what if that doesn't make me happy either?

then at least i've tried

but i have tried, and i feel no different.

then maybe its time to try being alone?

i've been alone for most of my life. its true, i do need...

need what?

just need... and therein lies the next problem. being needy.
i'm far too emotional to get so close to someone.
by pulling them closer i push them away.
no one wants to be crowded.
perhaps its better to only go this far. be physical, have some fun, be cared about to some extent, but keep it distant?

cos i cant. i'm an all-or-nothing girl.

i always have been.
stupidly, i probly always will.

but let's try?
maybe?
i'm a big girl. i can take being hurt again.
i hope.

he says he doesnt want me to end up hating him.
i wont hate him.
i'll just hate me.

and i do that already. so what's the difference?

is life really just a series of moments?

is it just patches thrown together on a quilt?
or is it a tapestry that is worked on piece by piece toward the final product?

-if its patches, then i've nothing to fear. nothing will count beyond it and it'll fit nicely into the quilt as simply another experience. so go, do, be and enjoy.
-if its a tapestry, why waste say a days worth of work on something thats not going to complement the overall design? why work so hard just to blemish that section?

i believe its a tapestry.

i know i am stronger than i've been lately.
but as carly and i found out ages ago, its easy to be strong when you're apart.

i know that when i wake up, i'll be back to square one again. and thats fine.
but at least i've finally sat down and thought.
i hate running. it just makes you tired.

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