Grey

just a hot young temptress

*sigh* ok, so i'll tell you the story.
since i've realised that for once im innocent, i've reached the conclusion that i dont owe anyone anything, and that this is my space - so i shall frikkin well blog about whatever i wish!

for those of you not directly in my circle of friends who mayn't know, i'd met a guy a few weeks ago. he was really sweet and kind and everything, he messaged me all the time, called me lots and lots and spoke to me for hours.

everytime i spoke to him, or the couple of times i spent with him, everything bad seemed to go away and i forgot about any other crap that came back to haunt me. he quickly became my Knight.

but something was never really fitting. he'd tell me not to fall in love with him, but then 3 seconds later he'd do some thing or other to show that he was falling for me too. any of my friend that i tried to descibe this to said that it sounded like he didnt know what he wanted. i didnt really either, so that seemed okay with me. i figured we could work around that.

but i couldnt understand why it felt like he was pulling me closer with one hand and pushing me away with the other.

i brushed it off - blaming my own indecisions and uncertainties. everytime i said we should stop because i was feeling unsure, he convinced me not to. it wasnt hard. i really didnt want to stop. but it was his idea of not having an actual relationship, just 'enjoying what we have' that didnt sit right. those that know me understand how i cant do things halfway. as i said in a previous post - im an 'all or nothing' girl.

the first time he said we couldnt be much more than...whatever we were... and i said why, he didnt really have an answer for me... i know now that in fact he did.

he came to see Equus friday night. after the play, and after enduring some pay-outs from my friends, mehehehe, we left and drove down to the beach.

we had sex. there's no other way to put it, i just tried typing some sort of alluding sentence, but they all sucked. so 'we had sex' will do.

at the time, it felt like more than that. i had put off sleeping with him because i knew that once i did, i would start to fall for him, and he had told me not to. the night itself was really nice. he held me after and we laid together for ages kissing and talking before separating.

then we spent some time out on a reserve on the esplanade on Witton Bluff watching the waves lit by the moon and by the lights of Christies. we held each other, doing those pathetic nose touches that couples do - im surprised that no one driving past us hurled abuse or... pointy objects of some sort.

when we finally got around to driving back to my place, he walked me to the doorstep, we kissed again, and began playing outside my house in the dark. i eventually stopped it and told him he needed to get home, and i needed to go inside. he agreed and left and thats the last time i saw him. friday night.

sunday night, during one of our many phonecalls, we spoke about all sorts of things, confiding in each other. i told him something hardly anyone else knew, and he told me a few secrets of his own. he had also mentioned that he had something to tell me. i could tell by his voice it wasnt good.

having told me already that he'd been known to sleep around a bit, i thought he had met someone else, or had slept with someone else. he said he wanted to tell me wednesday (today) which is when we were going to see each other again. i said ok, but i was still concerned.

we launched into this whole deep conversation. he said that i did things to him, i told him he did things to me too. i told him how much i trusted him and that he's one of the few guys i've been with that i havent been scared of or freaked out with.
i could hear this was eating at him.

he said he's falling in love with me and he cant.
i asked why.
he replied, "because im married."

at 3am, a few moments after that conversation ended, i crept into the lounge room and called carly. i dont know why, i just needed her.

that's about all i can be fucked writing for tonite about it. even that was exhausting.

yknow i just told a mate i chat with about whats happenin with me lately - he always wanted us to get together (frankly he's too much of a geek for me to even consider it, sorry kirsty, but there's people out there sadder than you) and then he told me that he's 'technically married' - she's some nut or something, they never got a divorce, but they not been together for something like 2 years. regardless, its still on paper.

mum said to me the other day "what is it with you and married people? and with kids??"*

i have decided that i must be just a hot young temptress.

i have also decided that i need some nice rebound sex.
so ok, who wants me? i know there's heaps of you out there, even if you dont all leave comments. *sniff*

let me get out my little black book.

*yes, i know carly wasnt 'married', but my mum always called her that - thats cos shes a stupid stupid woman. my mum that is, not carls :-)
thankyou prettygirl x

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