Let's call today: 'Wednesday, 15 March 2006'
wrote in the notebook:
After coming home the other night, I realised that I'm apparently not used to receiving attention from other people. It's usually me playing with someone's hair, me leaning over to peck someone's cheek, me playing with someone's fingers.
When it finally comes back to me, I evidently kinda freeze up, or get ticklish and goosebumpy (as I found when Ben was running his fingers thru my hair and over my neck and I ended up just squirming and grabbing his hand to stop him).
It's bizarre, crave attention from the other party for so long and when you get it you can't take it. How lame.
To share a secret with you my adoring fans, I still unconsciously shake slightly, like a convulsive shiver, if someone touches my tummy while kissing, or something like that. It's stupid and I hate it even though I'm told it's cute.
I don't think it's cute, I think it's really dumb.
Reverse the role and I'm fine. Which is no doubt why I end up more with girls than guys, because there's not alot of guys out there that'd be the receiver with me, and those that are I don't really seem to go for, so they don't get it from me anyway.
A Thought on Tolerance
An upside is that since coming back from the US, I've noticed that my taste in girls - for lack of a better way to put it - has changed. More accurately, I'm not judging someone by their looks or style as much as I used to.
I was attracted to 2 girls in the US that when I described them to people who knew me here, they said 'wow vicki that's so not your type.'
To cut a long story short, I've discovered that even tho some butch girls look butch, they're so so girly. It really made me re-think everything.
On that same note, I'm proud to report that I altered a workmate's way of thinking about gay guys. This guy worked with me and we shared a shift one slow night and were talking about this and that. He used to have the whole 'i think it's okay as long as they don't try anything on me' attitude. And when gay guys would hit on him he'd be disgusted and slightly scornful.
After chatting with me a few times, that changed to 'sorry I'm not into guys, but thanks for the compliment' when he was hit on.
So huzzah, one more passive phobe in the world converted.
Do I get a toaster?
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