Let's call today: 'Friday, 7 April 2006'
wrote in the notebook:
You know what, I think I'm finally going to have myself a good year. And if it turns otherwise, I'm going to still try and keep it so, 'cos I'm enjoying it.
Before long, 2004 just became too much for me, and I designated '05 to be my good year, but halfway through I was kicked in the face by people again. So far I've been on my first lengthy streak of feeling great for the first time since... this time last year?? Yeah, just before Equus, that was in May last year wasn't it?
Holy flying fedora - that's quite a run. I don't really include being abroad, different situations etc, so really let's say 8 or 9 months. I guess I really mean in myself and in my current environment etc etc and blah blah blah.
For a few weeks now, despite having no luck jobwise yet, and having a few people raining shit on me in particular, for some reason the glass has remained half-full. Which is odd for me.
I'm not a half-empty person either really, but I'm cynical enough and try my hardest to view things realistically and subjectively (admittedly I fail to do so at times) for everything to eventually get on top of me.
But returning to this humble land of mine after some months and having several thousand kilometres between me and my problems, I've come back very 'over' everything. As usual my music has been helping me through some patches; the other night I played a song I wrote about this time last year and only now fully can I sing it with true conviction. The music must be doing something for me, I've been composing on average a song a week since returning from the US.
I feel like a better person.
Things and people and situations that used to dictate how I'd feel for the day are shrugged off easier now.
I've been keeping fit with the new equipment my folks bought, working out close to every day.
People that I would have slapped or scorned for even trying to talk to me before are now getting not only attention and tolerance, but apologies for my undeserved hostility to them.
Attention from interested parties, though still surprising to me, are welcomed as I gradually realise that hey I'm kinda spunky sometimes after all - no doubt being the cool Aussie chick with the sexy accent in America helped that part.
Eventually something will come up in terms of employment that I will enjoy doing at least a bit more than being a herb farmer.
And also, eventually I'll be moving and can finally tie up that last loose thread hanging from my independence, and I can be a little further from the grip of psychological warfare that this house is clouded in.
I feel stronger, calmer and more attractive than I have for... as long as I can remember - probably the first time in recent years.
So this is just a rant and I know that, and I'm sorry that I've nothing terribly more interesting to write about, but that's pretty much what I've been noticing lately.
And I'm not complaining.
I don't know where this all came from, but it's quite welcome, believe me.
I've recently discovered that lately I attract, and am attracted to, flirty heartbreakers who just want to use me when it suits them.
My new attitude to it all?
*shrug* oh well, to hell with you too.
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