Let's call today: 'Monday, 4 December 2006'
wrote in the notebook:
Cluck Cluck and No Surprise
Im sorry, I''m going to do this the cowardly and impersonal way and write you an email rather than tell you straight up whats going on.
Mostly because I'm leaving to work on the road for two weeks tomorrow, and also because when I talk to you I freeze up and don't know what to say or think or do anymore.
Okay, here's where I'm at right now.
There's something about you I like, something that despite the obvious differences between us and our personalities that draws me to you; without it I'd had walked away ages ago.
But whenever I'm with you I feel awkward and out of place and I feel like you're the same around me.
When you've kissed me, you've stayed on my lips for only a second and then pulled away; I feel like you don't want to do it at all. Likewise when we're together, you say you wanted to see me yet you don't really talk to me.
Messages every five minutes; I don't understand. I don't get why you ask me what I'm doing or what I'm thinking, in the middle of the day or the night, when im working or when im off. I don't get it, I guess thats why I answer with 'why' alot.
I'm a closed person on the inside, I can't divulge everything to someone I don't know very well. As you saw, I couldnt even tell you where I live. I guess Im just not as trusting as you.
And I can't hang out at a party with people I don't know.
And the party, your ex's party, just a few blocks from my house... I guess I was a bit hurt that you just wanted me there for no reason. I felt like you just wanted me there to make her jealous.
I'm a coward, I've told you this before. So I'm being a coward again and I'm taking the easy way out. I'm sorry, I told you I don't want to hurt you and if I hang around I will hurt you more. I don't feel anything that strongly for you, not enough to keep me around. Whenever I'm with you I just feel sad and weighted and overwhelmed by it all.
The things you tell me, about what you want to do with me, or how you want to be with me, really do sound nice and I think that's why I've lingered this long. But I can't keep it up, I have too much else on my mind to try and worry about how to be around you.
Also, I recognise that I'm lonely and havent been with anyone properly for a long time and my interest in you could be just to get rid of that feeling and I don't want to use you like that.
On the same hand, you keep mentioning your ex to me and I wonder sometimes if you're over her, maybe using me too.
I know it isnt fair and I know that I'm just a chicken and I'm sorry. But I can't see you anymore, it's probably best for everyone if we just leave whatever it is we're doing and go our separate ways.
I'll leave you alone now.
Sometimes I'm just a bad person.
And a chicken... see my feathers?
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