Let's call today: 'Wednesday, 28 May 2008'
wrote in the notebook:
yesterday was a strange and yucky day.
I went to bed feeling sick the day before, so even though it was my night off, I slept most of the day and gave myself a little sleep-in. I usually get up around 6pm, Lauren woke me around 9. I felt a little better and my head had cleared a bit.
Most of the night went okay, we watched movies and did stuff online and I did my usual mix of ebay/yuwie/msn. I made chocolate cake. Then around 4 or 5am Lauren decided that she wasn't going to go to bed, and she grabbed the quilt and settled on the couch with her laptop.
My usual bedtime of 8/9am went by, the chocolate cake had been and gone. I was still coughing and sniffling, and unable to sleep.
By mid-morning/ noon-ish I decided that even if I did sleep now I'd be screwed for work so I called them to get the night off, then called the local med centre at marion to ask if they needed my tangible medicare card or will the number/details do. They said no we need your card.
Pfft. My card was with my parents. When we ordered another one it went to their address and there it stayed, I hadn't needed it since.
Okay so I called my old med centre on beach road and asked them if perchance they would maybe possibly perhaps have an appointment free for today? If not, I decided, I'd just leave now and wait in the casualty section. But voila! The answer came down the phone line like the old man from vicar of dibley.... no, no, no, no, no,...yes.... 5pm, see you then.
So I decided that today I'm visiting the south. Lauren's scheduled to spend the day with her mum shopping, and I'd visit my folks at home.
Meanwhile dynamics between Lauren and I were getting weird throughout the morning. I was very awake and sick. She's sick too but is able to be treated with antibiotics, lucky girl. I knew already I'd just be sent back to bed, but because of work I'd need a medical certificate.
Anyway, dynamics. Being not very with it, and tired and sick. I was a little grumpy. Lauren was interpreting every sigh, shift in my chair, groan and general "this is crap!" gesture as something I was expressing to/about her or something she'd said or done.
After a while I got tired of answering "what's wrong?" with "I'M SICK!?!" and just settled for "Nothing." Later on in the day, it became "Leave me alone."
Around 1pm, I was wandering aimlessly around the flat before deciding that this was a waste of a day, and I was tired of the weird tension that was unnecessarily building up so I declared I was about to head off. Lauren seemed to sulk that I was leaving so early before my doctor's appointment, she didn't seem to understand that while I was out I could spend time with my family, and my cat whom I miss daily, and maybe get some errands done like the pile of ebay items that need sending.
I picked up my bag and asked if she needed a lift anywhere. She looked at me and asked "come with me?"
"I'm going to the doctors?"
I'm know sure how I was supposed to know that. I shelved it as one of those things she expects me to have psychically picked up, and said okay lets go.
When we got to the marion med centre, where we'd only been 2 or so days previous, it was busy. I mean, there was a line just to the nurses desk. The ones where you tell them what's wrong and they decide what order you go in based on your condition. Basically it's a triage disguised as a reception, trying to make it look welcoming and more like a hotel than a doctors' office.
I sat down, frustrated that I was here again and probably going to sit here for a long time. If i wanted to sit in a waiting room for an hour, I'd have done it myself. And I couldn't just say okay I'll see these guys instead because my card was still with my folks.
Lauren sat with me instead of securing a place in the line, which frustrated me even more. The sooner she was seen, the sooner we would get out, and while she was sitting with me asking me for the millionth time what was wrong and why I was sitting there grumpily, anyone could join the line and put us further behind.
I voiced these to her, saying that I didn't really want to be there, especially since I hadnt known we were even coming, and she said we'll go.
Childishly stubborn by this point, I said that no, you've asked me to be here, I drove here, we're here, see your doctor.
As far as I know, armed with a course of medication, all she needed was a certificate too. This was getting to me too - having to wait for hours just for this when there was other things I'd planned to do.
Lauren kept calmly probing me to go if I was so against it, and eventually I let her lead me out.
In the carpark she kept trying to hug me and I kept trying to pull away. I just wanted to be by myself and driving south, possibly I'd be able to lay on my old bed and get a couple hours of sleep in.
Lauren asked I stay with her until her mum came to pick her up and I eventually agreed. We sat in my car and talked a little about how we were each feeling today. She mentioned we just hadn't spent much time together; I slept all day yesterday, now we're going to spend the rest of the day apart...
I flew into defence.
Whilst I appreciated her concern, I felt guilty for being sick. And I knew that I shouldn't feel guilty for being sick, because I couldn't really help that, and honestly, I didn't want to be freaking sick. And if she had recalled yesterday when she was leaving for TAFE, I was at the door crying and holding onto her not really wanting her to go because I felt so sick.
Eventually, I got home to my parents' place. Dad was home. Mum was not.
My dad informed me that the cat had killed a bird, and while he was trying to pick feathers up with a sweeper, I suggested that the broom would probably do a better job. His reply?
Well you can do that.
Fuck off. I just walked through the fucking door.
After helping him clean up feathers, and bringing in from the car what needed to go in, taking out to the car what needed to come back with me, I went for a walk down the road.
I stopped at the bottom of the hill and just stood.
The sky was a beautiful blue, the sun was warm, and I was alone finally save for the birds twittering, and the few pairs of eyes that no doubt peeked out from behind curtains wondering what this crazy girl was doing standing on their corner aimlessly kicking around and staring up at the sky, breathing deep.
Before long, I heard mum's car return and I walked back up the hill.
Once back in the house, Mum and I sat and chatted and I got cuddles that felt oh so good. I hadn't seen her properly before she went away to NSW a couple weeks back. We were talking about some heavy stuff when my phone kept ringing and being messaged. I had to put it on silent, and reply to Lauren in short texts in between conversation.
This led to more interpretation that I was angry at her and that she was being de-prioritized and that to please please please assure her we're okay.
I wanted to scream into the air. WE'RE OKAY BUT JUST GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES TO MYSELF. I'M SORRY YOUR DAY WITH YOUR MUM DIDN'T GO WELL, BUT MY DAY HASN'T EXACTLY GONE TO PLAN EITHER.
I received a letter from my bank saying there had been a breach and that it was recommended I cancel the credit card attached to my bank, and they'll re-issue me a new one. This would now render me without any use of the creditcard function or atm's for about a week, but as long as I could still do internet banking, through which my rent etc is paid, I said that would be fine.
Once I had some time I texted Lauren telling her yes we're okay, I was just discussing important stuff, and she told me she was coming down on the train, meet her at Noarlunga.
I groaned inside. I liked that she wants to be around me, but does it have to be 24/7? Mostly because: if we have tension like we had this morning, is it really worth it? Shouldn't we cool off and see each other when we both feel better?
Some time later saw us sitting at my doctor's office. I went in alone, got my medical certificate, got a list of things that may help with my usual sinus problems, and went to pay the bill. Medicare will pay me back, but I have to pay upfront first. Now. $45.
$10 short. My credit/debit card useless for a week due to my bank being breached, I went out to the car where Lauren had retreated to see if she had any spare. No she'd paid it all into my account for rent, even though I said to only give me some of it so she'd have money left for emergencies.
Frustration building again.
I called my mum - person living closest to the offices and the one I'd have to do the least explaining to.
She came, loaned me the extra money, and berated the lady at the desk for the way the system is - like its her fault. Too drained to do anything more than tell her to stop it, and thank the lady again for her patience while I organised the bill, I apologised for the trouble cause and herded mum out.
I met her later at the house, transferred the money online back into her account, plus some extra, picked up some fruit and vegies she'd gotten at the market, thanked her again, took my full bag of food, and left. My 24hrs-awake checkpoint growing closer, I had to get home before I was unable to drive.
I packed the food away before dragging my pillow and my bottle of water to bed, and collapsed fully clothed into sleep. Lauren did join me with her laptop for a while but was clearly irritated that I was sleeping instead of spending time with her. I still don't know if she realised I hadn't yet slept, I'll have to ask her when she wakes up.
When I, half-asleep, asked her if I could have the quilt that was still on the couch as night fell and I was getting cold. She made such a fuss and pointed out that I was already hogging both of the thin blankets left there.
I told her to forget it then if it was so much trouble, sighed, thanked her when I felt it being placed over me, and closed my eyes to escape the day that had been. Many sorry's had been said back and forth throughout the day, but they were simply blunt arrows that glanced off the armour of the other. And the apologetic kisses that began at the start of the day slowly thinned out as they weren't received nor returned.
Now, an hour and a half after I started this rather long post, the sun peeks over the trees across the road and into my window. I sip on my water, surrounded by tissues used not only from my cold, and hope today things are better.
When she comes out of the bedroom I'm going to make her breakfast, and hope today goes more smoothly.
I just wish we understood each other more.
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