Let's call today: 'Wednesday, 22 October 2008'
wrote in the notebook:
okay, only because I grow tired of explaining...
yes - lauren has gotten her own place in the city
yes - I'm back with my folks at the moment
no - that doesn't mean we've broken up
no - it's not weird living at home again
When lauren got the place near glenelg, she wouldn't have been able to afford it on her own. So I helped pay rent. but I figured it I was going to pay rent, I may as well live there. I never really *moved out* from my parents' place, over half of my shite was still there, so coming back didn't exactly come as a shock to the system because what with my globe-trotting and my interstate assignments with photo corp I'm used to just being away for a couple of months and coming back.
Really, it's almost like I never leave - just some extra personal independence along the way.
As for Lauren, she has a new job and a new flat. She'll be making her own money instead of living off centrelink while she studies. So i'll no longer have to be the bread winner of a place I never wanted.
Which, in all honesty, is how I was feeling in the end.
I've never wanted to live with someone. I always saw myself like the people on TV. With my own space and a boyfriend/girlfriend who had theirs too, and we'd see each other every other day and swap who stayed where when we'd been out. Otherwise, we'd have time and space to ourselves in our own flat.
Alot of people think this means we're breaking up. On the contrary, we're both alot happier. I was feeling very trapped and sometimes used, always broke and feeling like there was nothing tangible to show for my efforts.
Naturally, and most unfortunately, my frustration led into a form of depression, and for the first time in many years I looked down the corridors of my mind and peeked at the shadows at the other end.*
I didn't want to enter that dark room again. I've lived long enough in there.
So some ch-ch-ch-ch-changes had to occur, and they have, for the best.
Lauren and I were both walking home from work this week, tired but happy. Stupidly happy again for the first time in months. And seeing us happy again makes me happier.
We were... ok, I wont sugar coat... 'are'... fighting alot, neither of us fully understands the other.
At the moment I'm tossing up a range of options as far as what I'm doing next. At the moment the one in the lead is going to Sydney for a couple of weeks to do some video work for Maz. I could do the work standing on my head - if only I could stand on my head - and it'd be an easy couple of grand and a well-needed break from the cas.
I also have an interview tomorrow for some Christmas work in Santaland which sounds like fun but if I'm going to take the Sydney option, I'll be away most of the time they'd want me anyway. I should go in any case just to check it out. Perhaps I could leave the cas sooner and let that tie me over during November? We'll see.
After all this tho, in the new year, I'm thinking about studying. Years ago Bec and I said we'd complete the massage course together and do our own business. The more i think of it, the more I like it.
The added bonus of studying, is the chance that I can also possibly return to the Disney College Program, and that makes me excited.
*I onced feverishly sketched my mindset during depression on a small piece of notepad paper, then later made a photoart out of it.
I always felt i was in a long bare hallway, with a dark room at the end full of unthinkable terrors and unnameable fear, and i was struggling to stay in the lit parts of the corridor. Afraid to move either direction, in the sketch I just sink to the floor and hover in the light.
You can see the piece here.
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